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Question : Can I Get Your Critique On This Page? What Should I Improve To Make It Better?
Chapter One:

Another slow day at The Donovan’s, the home of the most delicious, mouthwatering, scrumptious food in the all Phoenix, Arizona. The spiders scuttled across the wooden walls that enclosed the restaurant, weaving a web at every corner. The single bills in the cash register rustled against each other as the wind scattered the dust off of them. A few drops of water trickled down the kitchen drain in a hollow sound that echoed around the empty place.

Mr. Denali, the manager of this branch, flipped through the expenses documents that were stored in his bureau from the last year. The payment dates were highlighted in a warning color that was impossible to miss under the ultra-white paper sheets – February the 19th. Mr. Denali spun around quickly in his leather-made office chair to face the calendar. “January the 21th” He exhaled heavily, he had less than a month to get behind. His forehead crumpled as he pondered on any possible way how to not run the company out of business. Fingers clamped down on his desk so hard that it was going to break apart, quivering as his clenched hands slammed upon it in a great force that spilled his hot coffee all over the pages.

“Dennis!” Mr. Denali yelled, shoving back his chair aggressively with a squeaking sound as the wheels scraped against the marble floor, and darting out of the office.

“Yes, sir” Dennis answered pleasantly, straightening his back, arms on both sides of his body.

“Come here for a second” Mr. Denali commanded, silently now, pacing the floor back and forth, glaring at the customers’ footsteps that had not yet been replaced with new ones.

“I’m here, sir” Dennis said in the same level of tune as he approached him. His lips twisted up slightly at one corner in an enigmatic smile as he prepared himself to what he thought he was going to tell him – the promotion he merited for a great service.

“It’s not good, Dennis, not good…” Mr. Denali mumbled under his breath. His eyebrows furrowed, squinting at the invisible customers.

“What’s happened?” Dennis asked concernedly, keeping in mind he was not going to get promoted today. He reached out to console him as a response to his agony.

Mr. Denali shoved his arm away unexpectedly. His forehead puckered up into tiny creases that accentuated the frown line across it as he concentrated. Stress and fury flowed through him. He seemed to be searching to the right words, irritated that he found it hard to spit out the sentence he knew he would regret saying. Eyes wrinkled up as he opened his mouth.

“Dennis, you’re fired” He finally said, staring down at the floor to avoid noticing the pain he had just caused by saying those three horrible words. His assistant, co-cushier, and a mate who had been flourishing the company to success since the establishment of this branch, now had to leave because of boss’s bad management.

Dennis stood dead in his place, letting the depression that flickered across his creased skin express his acrimony, but still, the syntax of this sentence did not make sense to him. “I… am… fried” He hissed too low to allow Mr. Denali to hear, emphasizing each word in his mind. Dennis headed towards the employees room to pack this things before unleashing his last tears.

“Thank you, sir. I guess this is what I deserve for eight-teen years of hard work”
Dennis said bitterly, ripping his name-tag off the suit and throwing it across the empty space of the restaurant, it hit the wall with a striking sound.
“But why? Have I done anything wrong?” He asked, forcing the tears inside his reddish eyes.
phoenix office space

Best answer:

Answer by Ashley
Wow, I keep seeing your question. You have at least posted this three times today, right?
I think it’s good and interesting. I like the bit, “Thank you, sir. I guess this is what I deserve for eighteen years of hard work.”
Smart remark, hehe. Instead of posting the same thing over and over again I’d like to read more of the chapter.