Question : Advice needed; our church has had one crisis after another…?
First of all, last month our minister up and went “lavender” on us and left the church, but that is only the latest crisis our church has faced.

We only have about two dozen tithe-paying members, and things have gotten so bad financially that we have cut out giving communion, as we can’t afford the wine and crackers…at least not with that old lush, Sister Anna Langus, sneaking in and finishing off the bottles before the service. You would think that perhaps random contributions through regular offerings would make up the difference, but our general attendance has gotten so bad that we haven’t had a full house since we had that stripper who found God as a guest speaker last year.

Our rummage sales are pathetic, too; I think this town has bought all of the crocheted toilet-paper covers it’s going to, and old Sister Massie Beyshan is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s and can’t seem to come up with anything else. To make things even worse, Brother Seymour Cox has taken over the church choir, and morale has just plummeted; why anyone thought that a man who came back from ‘Nam turned into a castrato by the Viet Cong was qualified to direct a church choir is beyond me. Speaking of the choir, last year’s Christmas cantata was ruined by Sister Minnie Paws having a hot flash in the middle of “Angels We Have Heard On High”, and her subsequent disrobing to get relief during the “gloria” chorus. I am amazed that the obese gal got out of her choir robe with such ease; of course, it was only held together by threads and the grace of God, anyway.

Our church property is facing foreclosure, and Brother Fess Fawk went on the public access channel and pleaded with the community for funds, claiming that unless $ 200, 000.00 was raised within a month, God would call him home. Thus far, we have only received a funeral home brochure. :(

Worst of all, our church is plagued by terrible gossip, which just makes me sick. Thank God men don’t gossip like the ladies do!

Any advice?
home staging brochure

Best answer:

Answer by Captain Spaulding
LOL “plagued by terrible gossip” you people just kill me, man I need to stop coming over here for laughs