Consumption and Real Estate
What do you think of my story? Constructive Criticism? Should I keep Writing?
Question : What do you think of my story? Constructive Criticism? Should I keep Writing?
I will post other chapters later, if you all tell me I should keep writing. It is kind of long, and audience would be teen girls. Please provide constructive criticism (but please dont be rude) and tell me if you like. There probably are some grammar and spelling errors, but this is just a rough draft and I will fix them, so you don’t need to fix them.
Intro:
16 hours to go.
Callie climbed into the murphy bed at the hotel she was staying in, the Residence Inn, which was in just outside St. Louis, Missouri. She, reluctantly, was on her way to Ocean City, Maryland, which was on the Delmarva Peninsula. She has been traveling with her mother, father, and twin sister, Jordyn, who also was going to be going to Blue Ridge, all the way from her farm in Wyoming. Callie was very upset. She loved the wide-open space, the smell of the cows when she woke up, milk fresh from the cows in her cereal every morning, all the dirt, and everything else about her farm. She hated the city, the ocean, and everything about Blue Ridge Academy, her new school. Nerd School to Callie. Blue Ridge Academy was a school for very smart people, like Callie and Jordyn. Callie was also the 8th Grade’s Basketball teams star, the point guard, and was looking forward to playing on a college team, hopefully with a full-ride scholarship. Aryana was fully expecting that scholarship, too. Until May 7th. She was entering High School the next year, already the starting point guard on Varsity Team. College Scouts were looking at her, hoping to get her on their Women’s basketball team in 4 short years. Until May 7th.
CHAPTER 1:
Indianapolis, Dayton, Columbus, Morgantown, Cumberland, Baltimore, Salisbury, The towns came and go, Callie not caring one bit. As they entered Ocean City, Callie became more and more upset, reality sinking in, harder than ever. Her Future as a Basketball star, gone forever, her days at the farm, gone until June, fresh cow milk every morning, home grown produce, and freshly slaughtered meat, going barefoot, feeling the soft earth on the tough soles of her feet, all gone until June, the school holidays.
They pulled into the parking lot at Blue Ridge, and found the office soon afterward, and Callie sulked as her mother got her schedule, dorm assignment, and textbooks, and Jordyn got her own, as she was not uspet about Blue Ridge at all. This showed they truly were fraternal twins, Callie was a country girl, and a hard core athlete. Jordyn, on the other hand, hated the country and loved the city, was super girly, and hated sports. It seemed like the only thing they had in common was they were both 9th grade geniuses. They walked across campus, her parents and Jordyn admiring the ocean view, Callie loving it, but not showng it. She refused to give her parents any satisfaction.
“What Dorm are two in?” asked Mom. Callie sat her suitcase and backpack down on the bench, took off her sunglasses and pulled out the folder with her schedule and dorm assignment. “That One” Callie said moodily at exactly the same time Jordyn said the exact same thing excitedly, as they both pointed at the same steel building right in front of them. It was the Amanda L. Wilkins dorm. All Blue Ridge dorms were named after the first teachers, who taught in 1993, when the school opened.
Callie did have to admit the dorm did look cool, Steel with a Blue Door and trim, and lots and lots of windows, all the way up to 9th floor. They entered the building and immediately felt the rush of cold air from the air conditioning. They took the elevator up to the 6th floor, stopping at the 5th floor when a scrawny little girl who looked like she was a 6th grader, got out with her parents.
They reached their own dorm, opened the door, and found one other girl already there, putting clothes in the closet. There was a set of bunk beds in one end, and two twin beds at the other. Callie and Jordyn sat their stuff on the twin beds, and introduced themselves to the other girl, whose name turned out to be Elise. Callie noticed that all her clothes were from Hollister and Abercrombie, most with tags still on them, and all very new looking. She glanced at her suitcase, stuffed full with clothes from mostly Kohl’s and JCPenney, as few jackets and shirts from Aeropostale, and a couple pairs of jeans from Delia’s, all at least a year old. Jordyn wore stuff from Nordstroms, Macy’s, Kohl’s and American Eagle only.
They started putting some of their own things away, too. Elise finished when they were halfway done, she told them they would go look at the campus when they were done, this was her first year also, as she plopped down on the huge 5-cushion couch, next to Callie’s mom. The couch was ocean blue, just like the curtains, doors, bunk beds and trim. The walls were painted a lighter sky-ish blue color, and the bed spreads were all the skyish blue color, too. They were the Colors of Blue Ridge Academy.
One hour later, m
One hour later, maps in hand, Callie, Jordyn, Elise walked out of the dorm and onto the campus. Callie and Jordyn said good-bye to their parents, and promised to email on their new mac laptops every other day. They walked around campus, seeing all the buildings, tennis courts, and the outdoor pool, as well as the gym and indoor pool. Callie felt a pang of sadness when they entered the gym, remembering her basketball dream. Tears welled up in her eyes, wishing with all her heart that Blue Ridge had a basketball team. I mean, they did have lots of sports teams, Volleyball, Football, Cross-Country, Wrestling, Boys Basketball, Swimming, Track and Field, Lacrosse, Soccer, Golf, Softball, Baseball, and Tennis, but no Girls Basketball team. With those thoughts in mind, especially the thought that the boys had a basketball team, made Callie start bawling, and she couldn’t stop, nothing Jordyn or Elise said could stop her.
They went back to their dorm, and Callie laid on her bed and cr
and cried. Finally, she felt she could cry no more and sat up. She went and sat on the couch, next to Jordyn. Elise asked Callie if she was okay, and after Callie replied (I guess so…) Callie started questioning Elise.
“So, do you play any sports?”
“Yeah, I played basketball last year, but obviously not anymore, but I will tryout for volleyball and softball, softball is my absolute favorite sport!”
The thought got Callie on the verge of tears again, but she held them back this time.
“What position do you play in basketball? I play point guard, and I was supposed to be the starter on the varsity team back in Wyoming.”
“I also play point guard, but I was probably only going to be on Freshman or JV team back home”
The Threesome continued to talk, and found out that Elise was from Upstate New York. She had 3 brothers and 5 sisters. Her youngest brother, Jakob, and youngest sister, Edyn, went to public school in New York, and lived at home
as they were too young to attend Blue Ridge. Jeremy, 11, lived in the Benjamin A. Huebsch dorm. Kaelyn was 12 and has Autism, so she goes to a special school in New York for Autistic children. Her 13 year old sister Isabelle was in the Melissa D. Wible dorm. Living in the Adrienne L. Young dorm was her sister, Kristin. Off at college were Kylie and Mason, her oldest siblings.
Elise, Callie, and Jordyn went down to the Cafeteria, and had dinner, slices of pepperoni pizza, salad, and hot fudge sundaes. Full and tired, they went back to their dorm, and found their last roommate, asleep on the top bunk, dressed in black jeans with chains, black leather boots, a skin-tight black shirt, black nail polish and make up, and she had dyed black hair (the brown root tips showed at the part) and the palest white skin.
Callie had finally realized that Blue Ridge might not be so bad, and she was actually having fun, and she had already made a new friend, Elise.
The End
—-In the intro where is says “Aryana Fully expected it too” It should be Callie. I starteed out with the name Aryana, but then I changed it to Callie and I guess I forgot to change it there. So it should say Callie there. If you see Aryana anywhere else, it should be Callie.
—-And the fourth roommate isn’t a vampire…..she is just gothic.
baltimore office space
Best answer:
Answer by ♥Mr.Darcy♥
Try posting your work on worthyofpublishing.com, it’s free and you categorize your novel or work in progress and other writers come and check it out and comment and rate it…I have some stuff there and really love the site.
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#2 written by Malocclusion Ten Four 1 year ago
I think your story has a lot of potential. Do you have a title? Sometimes it’s a good idea to start with one. You could call it BLUE RIDGE BLUES, for example. It would establish Callie’s general malaise.
You have a lot of good detail, but you want to show, not tell. Working more dialogue into your narrative will take care of a lot of your exposition, and give your writing more vitality as well.
The hardest part about starting a book is getting going on all the exposition– the This Happened and Then That Happened. The trick is to get the action going as soon as possible, and work in the exposition along the way. The backstory– everything that happened before the twins attend Blue Ridge– needs to be worked in as the present action unfolds.
Establish your characters. Have them reveal themselves more– in their words, their gestures, what they look like. Callie could reveal herself through her silence. You want to make them as unique, as strange, as you can make them, so the reader’s curiosity will be sparked. For example, Callie’s longing for “freshly slaughtered meat” is a detail that may not make her likable to some readers, but it sets her apart.
I don’t particularly like Callie at this point. I might like Jordyn more. Was this intentional on your part? Be careful not to make your main character too unsympathetic. Give her at least one good quality– and show it, don’t let Callie be too aware of it. They are geniuses, but do you want them to think of themselves as “geniuses,” ironically? Do you want them to leave off the quotes, and risk sounding conceited? If you do, you want to balance that trait with kindness, humor, or something else. Maybe have only other people call them geniuses.
Rather than say Callie was upset, have her say nothing while her family chatters about some of the very things that are upsetting her. Rather than list things she misses about the farm, work in some specific memories. Use other memories to flesh out her family’s personalities, so the reader can see why Callie feels alienated from them. She could be daydreaming about the past while everyone else is focused on the future.
You want to be careful with using brand names to denote class distinctions and personality. You could drop a couple of these names, and make sure the reader sees this is Callie’s biased point of view.
End each chapter with something right, but something wrong too. That something wrong will create suspense and keep the reader reading.
This may be too long for one chapter. Until you get a better footing, make your chapters about 10 pages and no longer. The first chapter could be them moving in. The second could be them meeting Elise. The third could be Callie breaking down. Start the action simply and let it get increasingly complicated.
Plot is all about conflict. With twin sisters you have all sorts of built-in conflict. Callie loves Jordyn but also deeply resents her. Jordyn could threaten to steal her new friend, if only in her imagination…
I hope some of this will help you. Good luck.
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The only thing I can comment on is your oc facts. Just outside of town we have farms,cows,chickens,horses.We walk around barefoot all the time, and have fresh produce. We have the best of both worlds here,we can go out an shoot a deer in the morning and then go surf fishing later.Also there is no school in Ocean City ,It’s in West ocean City across the bridge from Ocean City.Other than that good luck with your story.